The List
by Emily R
Summary: Right when Kathryn is on the verge of a breakdown they are saved in more ways than one.


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THE LIST  
by Emily June 2001  
"Captain"  
"yes Chakotay"  
"Are you alright?"  
"I'm not sure, you tell me" Kathryn looked up at him for the first time since he had come into the room and he saw that her eyes were red and there were wet lines on her face from dried tears. He walked towards her cautiously and sat down onto the sofa next to her. On the table in front of her was a glass and a bottle which undoubtedly contained some sort of alcohol and Chakotay took a wild guess that it wasn't synthehol.  
She didn't seem to notice that he hadn't answered her question, instead she poured herself another drink from bottle.  
"Kathryn please tell me what's wrong...maybe I can help" he said with a hesitant voice, he'd never seen her like this.  
She let out a laugh,  
"Help?...this is an unsolvable problem Chakotay, nobody can change what is happening, not even me, the mighty captain Janeway!"  
Chakotay noted the crack in her voice as she spoke and also noted the shake of her hand as she reached for the bottle once again but he grabbed her hand with his and took the bottle himself "Don't you think you've had enough of this? Come on, I´ll follow you to sickbay..."  
"No! Chakotay what did I just tell you" her voice was angry, "there is no solution, the doctor can't help me! It's just a normal biological truth, it's been going on for thousands of years and will go on for several thousands more so give me the bottle and let me deal with it in my own way, alright."  
"No Kathryn, I know you better than that, you don't solve your problems by drinking, you've never done that. Please, tell me what's gotten you so upset."  
She gave a slight laugh that seemed to get stuck in her throat,  
"Don't tell me you haven't noticed Chakotay, It's obvious to everyone that I'm not as young as I used to be." The anger had disappeared from her voice and she spoke now in whispers. He was silent.  
"Did you know I have to force myself out of bed in the mornings, I sit in my ready room or the bridge and sometimes I feel so tired, as if reading another word from some stupid report will put me to sleep.  
When we started this journey ten years ago I was so optimistic, I thought I could do it." Chakotay just sat next to her listening, knowing that she needed to let all this out and he was glad that she was telling him  
. "I overestimated myself Chakotay, and I underestimated the toll this would take on me, and the crew...Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it, I look at the crew and see how they've changed, sure they look happy but I wonder if they really are. Maybe we should have stayed behind on some planet, maybe even so far back as with the humans on the 37´s planet. Do you remember that Chakotay?"  
He nodded at her, not knowing if she really wanted an answer. She kept on talking.  
"There are so many things I wish I could have done in my life, things I probably would have been able to do if we had gotten back to Earth."  
She leaned forward and picked up a piece of paper and gave it to him. It was real paper, wrinkled though, as if someone had rolled it up into a boll, intending to throw it away, but then changed there mind. On top of the page someone had written; things I will never do or feel, there were thirty things on the list. He looked up at her and saw the tears in her eyes and wondered momentarily why she was showing him this but figured that this was also something that she had to share with someone. He read some of the things on the list;  
1)Roll around in the snow  
2)Feel the rain pouring down onto my face and body  
3)Share a good laugh with my sister  
4)Be hugged just for the sake of it  
5)Sleep until noon  
6)Fall asleep in the arms of a man I love  
7)Kiss the man I love  
8)Take midnight strolls along the beach  
9)Get married  
10)Have children (and then maybe grandchildren)  
He stopped reading and looked up at her with a sad face. Tears were rolling down her face freely now and he reached out to dry them away. Folding it gently he put the paper back onto the table and pulled her towards him into a hug. She tensed for an instant but then let herself relax into his arms and a few seconds later moved her arms around him and squeezed him like she was hanging on for dear life. When he began slowly stroking her back she let out a sob and soon was crying uncontrollably.  
Chakotay felt like his heart was breaking, he wished he could ease her pain, and hoped that he was helping her by giving her a shoulder to cry on. Several minutes later the crying seemed to subside but they still held eachother, him stroking her back and speaking to her in a slow loving voice and she, sniffling now and then, burying her face into his shirt.  
Then she pulled away from him and gave him a weak smile,  
"Thank you Chakotay, I think I needed that."  
"Think nothing of it Kathryn, and whenever you need a shoulder to cry on just come see me."  
She smiled again and opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by the red alert klaxons sounding throughout the ship, lighting up the sparsely lit messhall. Forgetting what she was about to say Kathryn leapt up and brushed away some residual tears and headed towards the door with Chakotay closely behind her.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
"Report!"  
Kathryn and Chakotay strode out onto the bridge a few minutes later. Tuvok rose from her chair and she and Chakotay sat down calling up the joint monitor between their seats.  
"Captain sensors just detected a coherent tetryon beam straight ahead." Harry said  
"Did you say a coherent tetryon beam?" Chakotay said standing up  
"Yes".  
"If memory serves me that's what the Caretaker used to bring us into this quadrant ten years ago"  
Kathryn said also standing. "Can you put it on screen"  
"Aye captain" Harry answered from his station and looked up as an all too familiar image filled the view screen.  
Every single eye on the bridge was on the image before them and Kathryn could almost hear the collective intake of breaths, for everyone recognised what was in front of them.  
"Is it moving towards us?" Chakotay eventually asked  
"No commander, it appears to be at a standstill."  
"Chakotay..." Kathryn motioned to Chakotay to join her over at the science station. "What do you think?"  
"I think I´d rather not take the chance of flying into that thing, the last time we did that we sustained heavy damage and ended up on the other side of the galaxy, I´d rather not find out where it would take us this time."  
"Agreed" Kathryn nodded then headed towards the centre of the bridge again "Tom, plot a course that goes around this phenomenon, maximum impulse."  
"Aye captain"  
After flying for only about a minute Tom noticed something strange  
"Captain, this isn't working"  
"How so Mr Paris?"  
"It's following us!"  
"What!"  
"I've confirmed it captain" Harry said, "it started moving the same direction we did at virtually the same time as us."  
"That's more than a coincidence" Chakotay said.  
"Mr Paris hold our position here, lets see what it does"  
As Voyager pulled to a halt so did the phenomenon nearby, everyone on the bridge was perplexed, and it showed on their faces.  
"We won't get any answers just standing here, Mr. Paris hold our position here for the time being, Mr Kim, keep a constant eye on that thing out there, if it so much as budges I want to know it. Tuvok you have the bridge we'll be in astrometrics." She nodded at Chakotay as she uttered the last words and the two of them headed for the turbolift.  
Stepping into the turbolift Chakotay glanced at Kathryn, there was no sign of the sadness and despair that she had exhibited just ten minutes earlier. She was standing with her arms crossed with a slight frown on her face, no doubt thinking about the current dilemma they were facing. He didn't know whether to admire her or be worried about her, he was a little of both.  
As they strode into astrometrics Seven and Icheb were both there trying to analyse the phenomenon. "What have you found Seven?" Kathryn asked staring intently at the large viewscreen.  
"We've compared this phenomenon with the one you encountered in the Badlands ten years ago captain and it is virtually identical. And we have found that it spans atleast this whole sector, we are unable to get any sensor readings from beyond it."  
"You said it was virtually identical, " Chakotay asked , "what differences are there?"  
"The differences are mostly in it's behaviour if you can put it that way," Icheb answered "The wave in the Badlands was moving towards you, almost seeking you out but this one, he nodded at the viewscreen, this one is just standing there, waiting. Also it is much larger than the one you encountered in the Badlands."  
"You said it was at a standstill" Kathryn said, " and yet when we tried to fly around it it moved as well, that would suggest some kind of intelligence, artificial or otherwise."  
"We have not found anything that suggests anything of the kind, how ever as Icheb pointed out it is difficult to get sensor readings from it."  
They were all silent for a moment pondering what to do.  
"We could send a probe in, try to get a better idea of what makes this thing tick." Chakotay suggested. Kathryn nodded "good idea, lets get back to the bridge and monitor it from there, Seven continue your analysis from here."  
"Aye Captain"  
Kathryn and Chakotay walked away once again, this time as they were stepping into the turbolift, Kathryn glanced at Chakotay out of the corner of her eye. He seemed to be all business but she knew that he hadn't forgotten what had passed between them earlier. She wondered if she should say anything but couldn't think of what that would be before they once again strode out onto the bridge.  
"Tuvok launch a class one probe into the wave, lets see what happens"  
"Aye captain. The probe is launched"  
Everyone looked down at the monitors to look at what the probe was picking up, Kathryn was looking at the viewscreen. The wave was quite beautiful, she thought, standing there like a luminescent strand across space, and it was unsettling not knowing whether it was safe or if it would destroy her ship and kill her crew. But she had to know, she thought shaking her head alittle, because she was the captain.  
"The probe is beginning to transmit data captain" Harry reported from his station. "It's getting knocked about in there but it should stay in one piece."  
"It appears our probe is being scanned by a vessel on the other side of the wave" Tuvok reported.  
"Origin?" Chakotay asked  
"I am not able to tell, as the probe comes closer to the other side of the rift it should be able to tell us."  
There was silence on the bridge once again as the crew worked at their stations.  
"Captain, I'm getting some clear sensor reading from the probe, it was scanned by a ship with..." Harry stopped midsentence  
"Harry?" Chakotay stepped up beside him  
"...the probe was scanned by a ship with a Starfleet signature."  
Complete silence.  
Kathryn stood up and joined Chakotay on the other side of Harry both looking at the reading on his console.  
"Where in the rift is the probe?"  
"The probe is nearing the edge of the rift, it should reach normal space in 30 seconds.  
"Do we know where exactly that will be?" Chakotay asked  
"Yes commander..." Tuvok silenced and Kathryn thought for a fleeting moment she would strangle him for holding them in suspense.  
"The probe is now in the Alpha Quadrant commander"  
Kathryn looked at Chakotay to make sure she wasn't loosing her mind, that he had heard it aswell. He smiled.  
"Is it safe to take the ship in?" She said stepping forward but not before giving Harry a slight squeeze on the arm.  
"I believe so Captain"  
"Tom?"  
"It'll be a rough ride but nothing we can't handle"  
"Alright!" Kathryn said turning around looking at each of them "Put me on shipwide audio"  
"you're on captain"  
"All hands this is captain. In just a short while we will enter the rift which we have determined leads to the Alpha Quadrant. It'll be a bumpy ride so hang on to your seats. See you on the other side, Janeway out."  
The turbulence started the moment they entered the rift and soon Kathryn was hanging on for dear life. After about half the ride things got a lot worse, quickly and Kathryn was thrown out of her seat head first. As she tried to sit up she groaned at fell back down. The last thing she saw was Chakotay kneeling beside her before everything went black.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Captain Kathryn Janeway of the U.S.S Voyager sat alone in sickbay with a pillow to rest against and a blanket wrapped securely over her. She was sitting with her head leaning against the wall with her eyes closed. She opened them as she heard the doors open.  
"Hello Chakotay"  
"Kathryn" He walked up to her and pulled one of the chairs and sat down next to her.  
"Is it really true, the Doctor told me but..."  
Chakotay smiled, "it's true" he said in a soft voice "We made it. We just docked at DS9. The crew has gathered in the messhall for an impromptu celebration."  
"I know, I practically had to order the Doctor to go enjoy himself, watch out or Ill do the same with you"  
"I´d rather be here" he said solemnly  
She smiled slightly before looking down into her lap, hoping that she wasn't blushing.  
"How's the crew?" she asked trying to change the subject  
"They're amazed and ecstatic and can't quite believe it"  
Kathryn gave a little laugh "I know how they feel...and what about you?"  
"Oh I'm, I don't know, I'm amazed and a little worried"  
"Why?...if you're worried about the Maquis thing than don't be"  
"It's not really that even though it is troubling not knowing what Starfleet plans to do with us. But if they do let us go about our business I´d have a lot of decisions to make about what I want in my life."  
Kathryn nodded, oh how she recognised that worry. "a lot of decision to make"  
They were silent for a while both pondering the infinite possibilities.  
"Anyway, I came with a message from the Doctor that you can leave sickbay if you'd like. Ill escort you to the messhall to show the crew that you're alright and then straight to your quarters."  
Kathryn nodded and they headed out.  
The visit to the messhall was brief, Kathryn wasn't feeling all that well yet and several times she had to hold on to Chakotays arm to steady herself.  
As they walked towards Kathryn quarters she steadied herself against him and he slipped his arm around her waist and held it there. Not wanting the have him move it she leaned closer to him as they walked, knowing that every crewmember was off celebrating.  
When they reached her door he took away his arm from her back, which felt a little cold without his arm there, said goodnight and turned away.  
"Chakotay!"  
He turned around "yes?"  
"umm, would you do me a favour?"  
He walked up to her again, "of course"  
"Will you stay with me tonight, I...I don't want to be alone"  
He looked at her trying to figure out what exactly it was she wanted from him.  
"Just to sleep, she continued, I promise I have only honourable intentions" she said with a smile He smiled at her and nodded  
"Of course Ill stay with you Kathryn. Would you mind if I just go change out of my uniform?"  
"No of course not, just let yourself in when you're done."  
She entered her quarters and changed into pyjamas. When he entered through the door she was sitting on the bed looking out of the window.  
He walked up to her and brushed away a strand of hair from her face when she looked up he could see that she had tears in her eyes.  
"Oh Kathryn..."  
When she heard him say her name like that she let out a strangled sob and he sat down and drew her to him into a fierce hug.  
She cried for a while as he rocked her back and forth like a baby murmuring to her words of comfort and love. Eventually she quieted and he drew back the covers and she lay down. He walked around the bed and lay down beside her drawing her against him once more stroking her hair and back.  
After several minutes when he thought she had fallen asleep she murmured,  
"Well this takes care of number six on my list, fall asleep in the arms of a man I love."  
He didn't know what to say his mind had gone numb by the implications of what she had said so all he could do was press his mouth against her forehead in a long kiss, and whisper back his love.  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
Kathryn woke up to the most wonderful feeling, she was lying on her side with a warm solid form pressed against her, both her left arm and leg were flung over him and his left arm was holding her securely against him.  
She raised her head and looked at him slowly following the line of his tattoo with her finger.  
He sturred and opened his eyes and looked down at her  
"Hello sleepy head"  
"Hello."  
"Sleep well?"  
"Very"  
"Good, so did I. You know I was thinking I should take care of number seven on my list as well, now that I already have number six down."  
"Oh, and what exactly was number seven?" he asked with a smile  
"Kiss the man I love" she said and did exactly that.  
One hour later the two of them, along with the rest of the crew boarded Deep Space 9. As the two of them walked along the promenade Kathryn slipped her hand into Chakotays and suddenly he wasn't that worried about the future, they would figure it out together, and he was positive that they would manage to do everything on her list and a bit more.  
THE END 


End file.
